Star Date #29

Well, if he’s freaking out right now he has a much higher change of killing himself than if he would be calm and stay in one place.

It’s kind of like people’s cars breaking down in the desert, you have a much higher chance of survival if you stay with the vehicle and wait for rescue than if you wander off into the unknown, unskilled, unqualified and wholly underprepared.

Thanks for that reassurance, the girl snarled.

I’m sorry but I have to be frank with you here. Even if we find him there’s a good chance he won’t be the same. Either he’s lost a limb, his life, part of his sanity or his entire mind. There are lots of things our there your relatively tiny minds are not capable of understanding, and with a hopper giving infinite access to an infinite array of these things there’s a good chance he’s already encountered several of these.

Not to mention time flows differently in a lot of these places, so he might already be eighty years old, turned back into a baby or have lived a long and fulfilling life, dying of old age underneath a starry sky and slowly turned into dust a relative amount of ages ago.

The girl sighed.

I’m mostly worried about him freaking out though. If he frantically starts zapping from one place to the other it’s nearly impossible for me to locate him, let alone catch up with him and then it’s only a matter of time before he runs into one type of interdimensional death trap or another.

Oh, never mind, he’s on chicken planet.

Chicken planet? The girl asked incredulously.

Yes, it’s a place made entirely out of roast chicken, and quite delicious I may add, it’s a briny flavour with just a touch of rosemary on the crust and a hint of zesty lime in the rather succulent flesh. Goes really well with a drink from Hefeweizen planet’s refreshing rivers which is just one little jump over.

Awesome. Thanks for the restaurant review of an entire planet, much appreciated. But, can you get him back?

Sure.

Also, how exactly did you find out where he is just now by doing exactly nothing?

By doing exactly something! As you may remember from our first meeting us tree people are gifted with something you might refer to as telepathic powers, and since our brains are a little more evolved than yours it takes us little to no effort to make use of them to scan through millions upon millions of different versions of reality looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack larger than you could even imagine.

You’re sassy today, aren’t you? The girl looked at him challengingly.

I am! The chief admitted rather eagerly. I’t the festival, it’s got me all giddy and excited, I just love it so much.

Also, I had about three liquor snakes before breakfast.

Tell me about the festival, the girl said.

Why don’t I get started about getting your boy back from his chicken feast and Baba and Marten can tell you about the festival while you find a comfy place to sit and a little sip of vipervino.

Did you just come up with that?

I did.

It’s kinda bad.

I know.

Okay well get to work then, gentlemen, please escort me to my throne.

It’s going to be a rug against a tree other me said.

It’s going to be fine, just get me there.

Also, you’re also called Marten?!

We’re all called Marten.

All?